Venting in friendships, once a sign of closeness, is now often seen as risky or impolite, leading people to hold back. However, listening to friends vent can build intimacy, and friendship is about making messy room for each other, not perfect boundaries.
The complexities of sharing feelings is what relationships require. Catherine Falls Commercial / GettyThis is an edition of The Wonder Reader, a newsletter in which our editors recommend a set of stories to spark your curiosity and fill you with delight. Sign up here to get it every Saturday morning.
At one point or another, we’ve all probably been that friend—the one who calls, texts, or sends a five-minute voice note with a long list of grievances. In the midst of complaining, a person might wonder: Am I venting too much? During a moment when much of modern friendship advice emphasizes trying not to overshare, venting—once treated as a basic expression of closeness—has come to be seen as risky, even impolite, Julie Beck writes.
The fear of being “too much” or of “trauma-dumping” has led many people to hold back, Julie notes. Taken too far, this caution risks flattening friendship itself, she warns. Listening to your friends vent can be draining, yes—but it can also build intimacy. Friendship isn’t about setting perfect boundaries: It’s about making room, sometimes messily, for one another. Today’s newsletter is about the small, imperfect ways we show up for our loved ones—and why that mess is often the point.
On Imperfect Relationships
The Common Friendship Behavior That Has Become Strangely Fraught
By Julie Beck
A theme keeps popping up in relationship advice: Don’t vent so much.
Conventional wisdom says that venting is cathartic and that we should never go to bed angry. But couples who save disagreements for scheduled meetings show the benefits of a more patient approach to conflict.
It’s your friends who break your heart: The older we get, the more we need our friends—and the harder it is to keep them, Jennifer Senior wrote in 2022.
My colleague Isabel Fattal recently asked readers to share a photo of something that sparks their sense of awe in the world. “On my morning walk the full moon was sitting over the hogback, keeping an eye on everything,” Bob P., 77, from Littleton, Colorado, writes.
We’ll continue to feature your responses in the coming weeks.
