We’ve Made Some Totally Planned Changes to America’s 250th
Who needed music anyway? Illustration by The Atlantic. Source: Getty. Wonderful news! We’ve got a killer lineup for the Great American State Fair to celebrate America’s 250th! Nine amazing featured performers! The hottest ticket of the summer!
Ah, hang on. Many of the performers are complaining that they were tricked into performing. Martina McBride wrote on X that she had been told “this was a nonpartisan event,” but that is “in fact, not what is happening.”
Oops! All of those featured performers have dropped out except for the C&C Music Factory, half of Milli Vanilli (dropped out while I was editing this!), and Vanilla Ice. And maybe, still, Flo Rida? But don’t worry! Nothing will stop Vanilla Ice from performing. “When I play events, I never ask about them,” Mr. Ice told CBS News. “I just go, ‘Where am I going?’ I don’t even know and I don’t even care.” Indeed, it is less a question of where he is willing to perform than of who can stop him. “I’d go play for anybody,” Ice continued, to CBS. “Putin. Whoever. You want—I’d go to Iran. Don’t matter.”
The lineup will still be amazing, though. We promise. The slot formerly occupied by a performance from the Commodores will now be filled with the sound of a lone Gadsden flag flapping on its pole. The slot formerly occupied by Milli Vanilli will be taken by a dog whistle, being blown into the microphone very loudly so that everyone winces and covers their ears. The slot formerly occupied by Bret Michaels will be taken by Stephen Miller standing silently and staring until the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and the very air around you curdles. You were holding a flower in your hand, but when you look down at the flower, it has withered. So has the hand holding it. Your youth! Your youth! What has become of your youth? In your arms, your baby begins to cry and cry and will not be soothed. Sometimes, at night, the baby startles awake and you know whose visage has come to cast its shadow on his dream. (Stephen is also available for birthday parties.)
The slot formerly occupied by Morris Day and the Time will be filled by the time alone. Not the musical act but the ineluctable, relentless passage of time that is all that separates us from the grave.
The slot formerly occupied by a crowd full of people excited to be there will be occupied by grass and also, maybe, if we are lucky, some troops. I’m being told this will be a standing-room-only event—no crowds, just standing room!
Instead of music, we will have something even better than music—maybe a speech by someone very special. I don’t dare to guess who! I’m told he gets bigger crowds than Elvis, which makes sense. Elvis has been dead for 49 years. This special person might even be one of the sponsors of this event! He might be taking a break from a very important job just to speak to us. You might know his name—it was recently added to, and—even more recently—required by a judge to be subtracted from, the Kennedy Center.
Yes! You guessed right! Instead of celebrating 250 years of our beautiful republic with music to be enjoyed by all, we will have a lengthy, rambling speech by Donald J. Trump, to be enjoyed by none. It’s almost the same, just worse! That’s the theme of America on its 250th anniversary! Almost the same, just worse!
